When asked if he preferred AstroTurf over grass, Phillies pitcher Tug McGraw said, “I dunno, I never smoked any.”
In the PWL, we don’t have a choice. We’re a grass only operation. And that grass, in case you haven’t noticed, hasn’t been mowed by the National Park Service in quite some time. It’s so long, we even had our first grass out in league history this season, with games cancelled due to the long stuff. While the bugs have loved it, it’s becoming a bit unbearable for the players.
Sure, the playing field has been ok. Somehow the grass on the playing field has kept a short length, estimated by league officials at 2.5 inches. It’s probably the arsenic in the ground soil keeping it down. But fans, media, and league staff working off the field wade through blades almost up to their kneecaps.
It’s so bad, we’ve have lots of suggestions on how to fix the problem. Guest player from Week 4 Elivn Clapp, known as Cool Papa in the PWL, came up with a top ten list of ideas for us.
Top Ten Ways to Get the Park Service off the Dime and Mow the Field
by Elvin Cool Papa Clapp
10. Call Janet Reno and indicate that the field named in her honor is not being well kept by NPS.
9. Call my buddy Vaughn Baker, Superintendent of Rocky Mountain Nat’l Park, and tell him to pull some strings in D.C. He is Brian’s godfather.
8. Deploy goats to mow the field. They are less likely to have mechanical problems, but watch where you step.
7. Call Georgetown frat boys and indicate there is free grass at Ft. Reno – and bring their clippers.
6. Blame the rain on global warming and get some stimulus money from EPA.
5. Petition NPS to install proper drainage at field and to stop fertilizing the grass – it will grow w/o chemicals.
4. Kick the Nats out of their ballpark and play under the lights. Attendance would be higher. Better yet, move to Chase Field in Phoenix as Diamondbacks are folding fast.
3. Call Sara Palin in Alaska with urgent message that there are “Russians” hiding in grass at Ft. Reno, which she should be able to see from her backyard.
2. Stage a lawn mower race at Ft. Reno, with a first place prize of a pink wiffle ball bat.
1. Stage a Civil War (a/k/a War of Northern Aggression) reenactment. They will trample anything.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Elivin “Cool Papa” Clapp is hitless in five career appearances in the PWL, and resides in Phoenix, AZ. He’s the father of Deputy Commissioner and Rossi Possse Manager Brian Clapp.