After being convinced that the three radar guns used by the PWL all read the same speed (within a 3 MPH margin of error) when a 50 MPH tuning fork was struck, Tony Ragano determined that it must be the wind effecting his pitch speed. His “muscle memory knows exactly what a 27 MPH pitch is” (literally a direct quote, not even one we made up) so the wind became the next likely culprit. It’s long been hypothesized that the wind had some effect on the ball, but this was never accepted as a fact until Ragano approved the belief Wednesday night.
Ragano grudgingly accepted the findings, “look, I wasn’t the first guy to come up with the ‘earth is round theory’ either, but after I saw photos, I became a believer. And now, I mostly buy it. Just like with the radar guns. I didn’t believe they all read the same, and I just knew one of them was out to get me. But I’m not unreasonable, now I know that’s not true. Next thing, you’ll try to convince me some fake bones in the ground prove that Brosephorous Rexes roamed this planet before man did.”
Commissioner Gallaway granted Ragano’s request to inspect and review the strike boards and enclosed radar guns prior to the playoffs this weekend. Also in attendance were Brian Ford and Nick DiCrosta of Scared Hitless. Ms. Allison Smith joined the party and was given a brief tour of the PWL Hall of Fame which will soon be the home to the two home run balls she hit during Week 7, becoming the first female to hit two dingers.
“We have nothing to hide at the PWL. We were happy to open the doors and let Mr. Ragano determine for himself what we’ve known the entire season. The radar guns aren’t perfect, we know they have flaws. Sometimes they don’t read. Sometimes the angle of the approaching pitch effects the speed. These are issues that the present technology just can’t adjust for. But, the fact is, all three guns have the same flaws, and the flaws effect all the players fairly. There is no “bad gun”, there is no gun that is out to get Tony. It’s not perfect, but it’s fair,” Gallaway said.
DiCrosta said he has known all season that the guns don’t work 100% of the time, and that you can manipulate the way you pitch in order to get a reading based on how and where you throw the ball. He described his strategy for throwing to the strike board as “being a good pitcher”.
“If a pitcher knows that he’ll get an inside strike call from an umpire, he’s stupid not to throw that pitch,” DiCrosta said. “It’s part of the strategy of being a good pitcher. What I don’t understand is why, seven weeks ago, Tony didn’t adjust his strategy to get more strike outs instead of complaining about the strike boards. It’s almost like he wanted Andrew Martin to demolish his single season strikeout record.”
The discovery that wind has an impact on a lightweight plastic ball has led President Obama to release federal funds for an immediate study of wiffle wind dynamics. It has also led Ragano to re-examine his beliefs in creationism and that if a girl jumps up and down after sex that she can’t get pregnant.