(Gravelly Point) – “All I have, I would glady have given, not to be standing here today”. That’s how Commissioner Gallaway started the press conference this afternoon announcing the immediate lifetime suspension from Wiffleball of every player of the Filabusters team for steroid use.
Rumors had been rampant for months that the Filabusters were involved in a doping scandal, but while there was smoke, the fire wasn’t uncovered. That changed Friday night when undercover agents for PWL attended a Trivial Pursuit Rave hosted by Filabusters manager David Crain and attended by his Filabusters teammates. About half way through the night, unable to get the Science and Nature pie piece, the team members just started urniating all over the house.
“It was like nothing I’d ever seen before,” said one of the undercover agents. “Urine, just flying everywhere. They didn’t care where it went, or who got hit. Fortunately, I had a couple of collection cups so I could get samples.”
Those samples, when tested for steriods, proved to be enough to convince the commissioner that a lifetime suspension was in order for the team. In addition to suspending the players, the Commissioner ordered that whenever the team is spoken of in the future, it is referred to as “The ‘F’ Word”, and that the original team name never be spoken again.
When asked about whether or not the single season and career statistics for the Filabusters would be marked with an asterisk, the Commissioner was clear. “The stats will not be marked with an asterisk, however, they will be marked with an ‘ff’.” the Commissioner noted. The “ff” is an homage to former MLB Commissioner and Bambino lover Ford Frick, who ordered the asterisk placed on Roger Maris’ single season home run record in 1961.
The news hit the league hard, just 24 hours before opening day. Most mangers and players weren’t commenting. The one who did go on the record was Dominic Gabello, who lost to the Filabusters last year in the World Series as a member of the FieldWorks Canvassers.
“I knew it all along,” Gabello stated. “I mean, they were hitting the balls past the road. 115, 120 feet. You just can’t do that unless you’re on the juice, or the wind picks up. “
Allegations from a dealer, known only by his street name, Bryan Spoon, who allegedly sold steriods to the Filabusters are now being investigated for possible criminal violations.
“Those guys were desperate for my stuff, man,” Spoon told reporters when they located him talking to several 12 year old boys at the Tidal Basin during the Cherry Blossom festival. “They were willing to do anyting for it. Crain offered me a **** *** one time, and i had to be, like, dude, it’s not that good of stuff.”
The Commissioner’s order is that none of the Filabusters…ugh…“F-word” players will ever play wiffleball again. The banishment also applies to their children, and their children’s children.
It is unclear what will happen to their spot on the schedule. It is hoped that a replacement team will be found soon to fill the gap.